Inside the MPAA’s plans after SOPA/PIPA: The Alphabet Game

The bills SOPA and PIPA (collectively known as SOPAIPILLA) were widely protested today. Several websites censored themselves to simulate what the internet could become should SOPAIPILLA pass. This protest is expected raise awareness about the bills and help kill the bills in their respective sides of congress. Supporters of the bills are naturally looking for ways to get their legislation passed despite widespread opposition.

The first strategy was just to have two separate bills, so that if one was opposed, the other had a chance. SOPA was the first to be targeted, because of its negative context: the STOP online piracy act. The Senate’s version of the bill, the Protect Intellectual Property Act is about protecting, and not stopping. Well, that clearly has not protected the bill nor has it stopped opposition. Should these two bills be killed, the MPAA won’t be caught with their pants down, and already have some new ideas about branding new versions of similar acts.

Former Senator and current Chairman and CEO of the MPAA Chris Dodd commented on their long term outlook. “Our next plan is a stand by. Just name the act something more positive sounding.” He suggested the next house bill be named the “More Internet Jobs Act.” He provided “Grand American Opportunity Act” for the Senate version. Although this is an easy fix, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still simply acronyms that can just as easily be opposed as soon as they’re revealed for what they truly are.

Therefore, the next strategy is convoluting the name so it is not so easily discussed. The Taking Back America’s Status as a Super Power Because if We Don’t Do Something Right Now China Will Be Walking All Over Us In Like 30 Years Do You Really Want That Bill. “We don’t foresee opposition to TBASSPBWDDSRNCWBWAOUIL30YDOYRWTB. You just can’t fit that into your Twitter avatar.” Other strategies for avoiding the proliferation of acronyms is naming the bill in languages that don’t use the Roman alphabet. “We’re experimenting with naming legislation in Russian or Chinese. I’m not sure if that’s legal, but we’re prepared to pass additional changes to overcome that hurdle.”

Instead of treating the catchy acronyms as a problem, the MPAA can make them work in their favor. “Look, we’re no strangers to acronyms. We’re the MPAA. You should see the list of our global counterparts.” As a last resort, the MPAA would propose submitting the Killing Internet Theifs ’Til the End of ’Nfinity Statute to the house floor. They are also lining up Senators to introduce the Time to Reprimand Online Offenders and Pirates Statute. “I’d like to see the internet rise up and exclaim ‘KILL KITTENS.’ Let’s see the looks they get when they say ‘TROOPS is bad for America.’”