Congress Demands Return of Facebook Poke Button

facebookThe United States Congress has issued a demand to Mark Zuckerberg, the new billionaire head of Facebook: “Bring back the Poke Button”. It seems, although most people didn’t really notice it was missing, that it is in fact, missing. However, upon investigation, we were able to find the elusive button. We found it buried in the “settings” menu on our friends’ pages. To find out why this has happened – out of pure curiosity and not real concern – we contacted the Director of Poking (yes, the title is real) at Facebook in Palo Alto, CA. We were surprised to receive a quick response from Andy Baldwin. Yes, the same Andy Baldwin of ABC’s The Bachelor. Here is an excerpt of his response:

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…[Mark] Zuck[erberg] pulled the plug on poking. I don’t care if I get fired over this response, but that smarmy weasel can kiss my smooth hot ass. Turns out, he made the button as a way to feel like he was poking girls. I suppose since he couldn’t get laid in real life, he would “poke” every girl who joined Facebook. He even has this wall in his office, where he puts a mark for every girl he poked. Anyway, he has essentially killed my job – I won’t be here much longer. Why did he get rid of the poke? I can’t say for sure, but it may have something to do with pressure from his investors. I saw a lot of “professional” looking women going in his office ever since he pulled the poke…

We thanked Mr. Baldwin for his time and set our sights on Congress. We interviewed a Congressman who wished to remain anonymous, so we’ll call him Congressman Bill Long representing the 7th District of Missouri. Bill said the entire congress is in an uproar over the missing button. When asked why, he stated that he and his colleagues have used the poke for years as a contest and to gauge the availability of chicks. Startled, we asked him to clarify. After reassuring the Congressman (Bill Long, 7th District, Missouri) that we would keep is comments anonymous, he gave us more detail:

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“Around the congressional offices it is sort of a game to see how many babes we can poke. And if they poke back, then we get a notch on our desk. If you poked a honey three times, and she poked back three times, that meant you could get a ‘real’ poke – if you know what I mean. My desk looks like a serrated knife. This is anonymous, right?”

We reassured Congressman Bill Long, 7th District, Missouri, that this was an anonymous interview.

I suppose we will wait and see how Facebook responds to this demand.

Facebook IPO uncovered as a Ponzi scheme by SEC [BREAKING]

In 2004, Eduardo Saverin registered a business in Massechusets. The company was registered as “The Facebook Inc.” This is a story that we’re all familiar with: a Harvard sophomore Mark Zuckerberg built a website that has taken the world by storm. This is the story that was told to Savern’s investors. He said that Facebook was changing the world. He said that it was used by the hundreds of millions. There’s just one problem. Zuckerberg and the website never existed. Today, the Securities and Exchange Commision has released documents after an investigation detailing a long running Ponzi scheme that ends with valueless stock being sold to the general public.

At first the scheme was easy. The Facebook was an exclusive site. He told his investors that only Harvard students could use the site, and that’s why the investors couldn’t see it. In order to raise more money, Saverin had to convince investors that the site was growing. He continued the story, acting like it was open to other colleges, and then high schools. This ploy got him further, but at some point, in order to keep the investment money flowing, he had to open the fake site to the public.

This is where the scheme got much more complicated for Saverin. Once open to the public, his investors wanted to join the site that didn’t exist. Saverin hired a team of developers in India to put together a basic functioning website. He then used Mechanical Turk to create tons of fake users in the database. This was just enough to convince the investors that The Facebook was legit. Some questioned why they couldn’t see any information from the claimed millions of other users. He told them that they could only see content and profile information from their “friends”. This was the start of social media as we know it.

The developers had left the website open to the public and a few people started signing up for the website. Worried that people might find out that the website was only a sham, he started hiring cheap foreign labor to play the part of the new users’ friends. They would spy on the friends of the users that were joining and create fake profiles and content for those people. Even today, Facebook only has about 2,000 users, and their friends’ activity is being written by non-english speaking people, which explains all the bad grammar and misspellings.

Eduardo Saverin fled the United States years ago and continued to run this scheme. He just renounced his citizenship and his whereabouts are unknown, but the FBI would like to know any information you may have. With the release of the SEC’s investigation, Facebook’s stock is expected to plummet, as Facebook has no real assets. Mockcrunch has placed a target price of $0.01 and a SELL rating on FB.

Facebook CEO Zuckerberg on mobile strategy: “Let’s get the app to work”

Facebook has been known as a mobile pioneer. The original Facebook iPhone app was one of the first truly notable native mobile apps, producing an interface and experience that some claimed was even better than facebook.com. Even before the wide popularity of iPhone and App Store, Facebook’s mobile website nearly recreated the app experience in mobile browsers.

Facebook has been continuously evolving their service, adding features and improvements to help them get closer to their ultimate vision of “connecting the world.” But over the last few years, their mobile app began to lag behind. They would release improvements and revamps with great interface changes, but instead of a great experience, the app would welcome users with loading and stability issues. Their latest revamp is arguably the worst experience thus far, as News Feeds and Notifications are rarely loading for most users.

Here we have a chronological list of Facebook’s various mobile strategies. See if you can tell where they might have gone wrong:

  • Set the usability standards for a new era of mobile apps
  • Bring the same great experience to mobile web users
  • Bring the same great experience to the Motorola Razr (This one didn’t work BTW)
  • Develop for users who have only ever used Facebook mobile
  • Become a platform that other mobile services can use
  • Keep the servers running
  • Feign a fueud with Google as excuse for not making Android app
  • Release Android app anyway
  • Change the UI because way too many designers were hired
  • Show off the loading animation
  • Don’t melt phones

Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg is sick of not being able to get his News Feed or load comments on posts. He’s especially upset that others can’t load the images from his latest hunting trip. Instead of reviving Facebook’s early ambitions for its mobile experience, “functional” will have to do for now. After all, Facebook has to put its priority on figuring out where their revenue went to keep its shareholders happy.