CERN: Look at this! No, it’s not the Higgs, but you’ll totally love it!

CERN houses the largest science experiment in this history of human existence. The Large Hadron Collider is a ring 17 miles around that accelerates sub-atomic particles to near the speed of light. These particles are then smashed into each other billions of times per second. Very delicate work. Although the facility has several purposes, its most publicized mission is to discover a theorized particle, the Higgs boson. CERN was expected to announce today that they had found it.

The Higgs boson is important because it’s the particle that gives other particles mass. What does that mean exactly? Well, if you took… I mean if there was a… If you had chicken and a rubber chicken and you put them in a room… with a… You know what? It doesn’t really matter, because they didn’t find it.

From CERN spokesperson Chet Brewman at a press conference earlier today:

See, we were gonna find the Higgs boson. We really were. We had the whole LHC thing built. Then [Prof.] Karl [Bentley] has showed us this game called Minecraft. It’s really cool! Let me show you. You can build anything in it. Like, anything! We all started playing it. [Dr.] Gary [Benedict] had been reading a lot of Harry Potter, and he started building the home that Harry grew up in. See, here’s the room under the stairs where his mean muggle parents kept him. Oh man, we just kinda got hooked after that. We built Ollivanders wand shop, and then the other shops in Diagon Alley. And then we started building Hogwarts. Like the whole castle! You have to see it!

When Brewman was asked, “What’s that blinking light?” he responded with, “Oh crap! That means the machine is on. How long has that been running? There must be particles in there from a year ago.”

Europe’s Grand Chancellor, Earl Barnaby Prentis Covington III, is very disappointed in CERN. They promised they were going to find new particles before playing any video games. He sent CERN to its room without dinner. When asked for comment, he said “CERN will get a stern talking to when their mother gets home.”