Amazon Celebrates Best Ever Red Tuesday

Today’s article is guest written by @ChrisKotera

“This has been the best Red Tuesday ever for us!” said Amazon CEO Jeffrey P. Bezos on Tuesday evening as the lowest grossing Red Tuesday to date was coming to a close. “I’m so relieved to even out the sales records of Black Friday and Cyber Weekend/Monday. I was nervous about what to do with all that money. My kids are so spoiled. My daughter wants Albania for Christmas and I was almost rich enough last night to do it. After looking at today’s numbers, I could only afford Albania if it was on sale. I’ll just get her another yacht so she can have a normal childhood.”

Conveyor belts, tricycles, and trucks lay dormant at Amazon’s largest fulfillment center in Phoenix Arizona as only 113 online orders for the day had come in. Latoya Harrison, an employee at the fulfillment center was available for comment, “I was so sick of this sh*t the last few days. We were working so hard to fill all these orders I missed a whole holiday weekend with my family. I’m still at work but it’s nice to have an easy, boring day to reflect on my life choices.”

In Gardner, Kansas, consumer Margie Jepsen celebrated Red Tuesday by filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. “Since its Red Tuesday, the $247 Chapter 7 filing fee is 40% off! I can afford that! I was afraid I’d have to return that 60” 3D LED TV I bought online yesterday!” Margie was then on her way to enjoy dinner with her family for the first time in five days. “I’ve just been buying stuff all weekend, I’m anxious to hug my children.”

“Although today has been exciting and unprecedented, we’re hoping for even fewer orders and less revenue next year on Red Tuesday. Maybe I’ll make so little money next year I’ll talk my kids into wanting iPads instead of countries,” said Bezos in his closing statement with us.

Dollar Tree Launches Android App Store [BREAKING]

In March, Amazon launched their own app store for Android apps. You might be thinking, “why would Amazon launch an app store?” Well, let’s put it this way. I have no idea. It’s weird. In fact, it weirds me out so much that I’ve decided to put no effort in researching how the hell it works. Do they have exclusive apps that aren’t in Google’s own app store, “Google Play” (ugh that name, another thing that I don’t want to get into). Are they selling the same apps at a different cost than Google Play? Does that mean if I own an Android device, I’m obligated to search several app stores just to find a todo list app?

Well, the saturation continues today as America’s favorite dollar store, Dollar Tree has decided to make their mobile debut with their own Android app store. Their motivation is clear – they intend to only sell apps priced at $1. No more, no less. Apps included in Dollar Tree Appstore at launch will be Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, and around 2,000 camera apps.

We reached out to Dollar Tree CEO, Bob Sasser for comment. “Do what? What are we launching?” I told Bob about the Appstore. “Android? Well we sell some robot toys in our stores but I don’t know what that is specifically. We may carry it. Give your nearest Dollar Tree a call.” I went on to explain smartphones, told him all about the app ecosystem, how mobile platforms work, etc. I talked for nearly an hour. “Adam, let me stop you there. The things you’ve just said to me are way over my head. We sell retail items for a dollar. We don’t do any of this gadget stuff.”

I was pretty frustrated at this point, so we got the Mockcrunch team on the case. From our research, we were able to determine that a single Dollar Tree corporate intern was behind this initiative. We reached out to James Farely, the intern who created the project. “Dollar Tree needs innovation. Our CEO is clueless, so I thought I’d help out a bit. I didn’t take this to Bob because I knew he wouldn’t get it.”

We asked James if any executives were aware of the Dollar Tree Appstore. “Haha, yeah right”, he said. “This company is a total nightmare. They are still selling retail products at a dollar. The brand is locked in. Inflation continues to rise, and we can’t steer from that dollar price. That just means our products continue to get shittier. In 10 years, we’ll only be selling single sheets of paper.”