Shocking new evidence proves Abraham Lincoln really did invent Facebook

Earlier this week, a blogger posted a long-winded story claiming he had proof that Abraham Lincoln invented Facebook. His story was an adventure which lead him to discover a patent filed in 1845 by Abraham Lincoln for a newspaper comprised of Facebook-like profiles and status updates. The patent stated “every Man may have his own page, where he might discuss his Family, his Work, and his Various Endeavors.” Or in other words, Facebook.

Shortly after he broke this story, it went viral. Thousands of people began to share the story. Then, credible media sources got word of it and stated it was a hoax all along. At Mockcrunch, we were not going to allow the “gotcha media” to sweep this important part of our history under the rug. We went out and began our own investigation. We consulted with the most prestigious hackers and sleuths in the world, including the famous Sherlock Holmes, who unfortunately ended up being useless and computer illiterate, carrying nothing more than a magnifying glass. But I digress. Our hackers did their job, and boy did we find a gem.

Extensive research lead us to a very interesting domain: facegazette.com. Take a look at the WhoIs information.

This was pulled directly from NetworkSolutions WhoIs page. If you’d like to see it for yourselves, visit any WhoIs service and search for the domain facegazette.com. This discovery is remarkable. Even the address listed on the domain matches the address of his residence in 1845, right around the time he had filed the patent. Abraham Lincoln was clearly getting his ducks in a row, as he registered a .com domain name for this Facebook-like service using GoDaddy before GoDaddy or the Internet even existed. Not only does this domain registration give us damn-near surefire proof that Abraham Lincoln really did invent Facebook, but this is phenomenal evidence of something much bigger: time travel. There is no other logical explanation for our findings.

We reached out to famous American astrophysicist Irwin I. Shapiro to help us make sense of this. He wouldn’t take our call. Nevertheless, we have a feeling that this story is far from over.

Alexander Graham Bell used Kickstarter-like program to fund telephone

Kickstarter is quickly becoming a legitimate source of capital for many aspiring entrepreneurs hoping to turn an idea into a successful reality. It just celebrated its third birthday and is on track to collectively raise $300 million in funds for thousands of projects. Though many of us thought Kickstarter gave birth to the concept of “crowdfunding”, new research shows that an initiative started in the 18th century truly invented the crowdfunding concept. This Kickstarter-like initiative, called Set Forth Fruition provided the required funding for Alexander Graham Bell to pursue his invention of the telephone, rewriting history as we know it.

Set Forth Fruition was a short-lived campaign started by President Ulysses S. Grant to spread wealth and innovate America. He encouraged the upper-class to donate a portion of their savings to bright individuals with motivation and a great idea. Though this contributed to a few substantial advances in our history, it also spurred on a new class of shysters and gimmicks. In order to weed out the riff raff, inventors would offer items of clothing such as wigs and waistcoats, signed copies of their original sketches and more in return for their donations. Many of them would also visit town squares and perform artistic interpretations of their idea, many times in the form of a play, song or dance just to spread awareness of their intentions and entice donors. Alexander Graham Bell was said to have had one of the most memorial performances to describe the telephone.

We reached out to the oldest living man, 132 year old Fredrick Seawalker who claimed to have been present during Alexander’s performance. “After waltzing with a beautiful young lady, she smiled and began to walk away. ‘Halt at once!’ He yelled. ‘Introduce me to your number!’ She looked at him, winked and said ‘It’s 555. I would be honored to hear your voice.’ A few seconds later, he and the girl each pick up a telephone prototype. ‘Good day Abigail. It’s Alexander. May I take you out to dine with me this fine evening?’, he said. Abigail giggled and replied ‘Yes.’ The audience burst into a roaring cheer.” He then asked for donations, planning a financial goal that was met “within a fortnight”.

This lead to a great deal of donations for Alexander and many other inventors. In fact, Set Forth Fruition was instrumental to the success of many other historical accomplishments, including the Statue of Liberty, The Wall Street Journal, the 15th Amendment and Yellowstone National Park.