Snake oil salesman starts Kickstarter project for iPad belt

snake oil

Image courtesy of Jeremy Weate on flickr.

Kickstarter projects have been made fun of before, but there is no denying that it gives creative people the opportunity to create something that might not otherwise be possible. People with no talent whatsoever have raised money for physical goods, horrible plays, and junk comics. Enter James McTroothy, known as Tex to his friends. Tex is a veteran of the snake oil sales circuit, winning the annual Snake Oil Salesmen of the Southwests award for most volume three years running. So what is making him give it all up? The iPad belt.

Like any good conman, he knows a good con when he sees it, and Tex told us that this was one of the best around.

“People have said that Kickstarter would just result in snake oil salesmen stealing money from the defenseless. I don’t think anyone would buy snake oil on the internet. But accessories for Apple products? It’s like selling candy to kids.”

The problem is that there have already been so many projects funded for Apple accessories that there wasn’t much room left for Tex to operate.

“I think most of this stuff is junk. Some assholes raised a million dollars for a watch kit for something called the Nano? That’s a strong con, but I can do better. You see, lots of people have these tablet things and nowhere to carry them.”

“I am not a creative man, but I carry my newspaper in my belt, and apparently thats what people use these iPads for, so I figured we would make a belt that holds it for ‘em.”

We were surprised when he said he actually planned produce the product and send it to the backers. When asked how, he surprised us yet again.

“It’s not even hard. I went to some meeting for local businesses and some guy said he could manufacture it for me using his contacts in China. It’s going to cost almost nothing to produce, just like my snake oil, and we found a high school kid who will draw it on the computer if we give him a free belt.”

We didn’t know what to think. “The con here isn’t that I will take their money and run away. The con is that I can dream up some useless piece of shit and sell it to people.” It appears that Kickstarter has turned Tex into an actual businessman.




NASDAQ fired over compromising Facebook photos

In a stunning series of events this morning, MockCrunch has learned that the SEC and FINRA plan to announce that they have pulled the charter allowing NASDAQ to work as an exchange, essentially firing him. While details are still coming together, it appears as though NASDAQ, which recently signed up on the social networking service Facebook, was photographed in some compromising situations. Many Americans will be familiar with losing their job after appearing in questionable Facebook photos, but NASDAQ is perhaps the highest profile casualty of Mark Zuckerberg’s crusade to make the world less private.

NASDAQ, who only signed up for Facebook two weeks ago, was still shocked when we reached him for comment. “I don’t know what happened. Honestly, I am a good person. I have been selling securities for over 40 years now. I have a great reputation. It’s not like I am some sort of hedge fund manager.”

When we reached Mark Zuckerberg for comment, he seemed very put off. “I am busy hunting right now. Do you know how much time it takes to hunt everything you eat? Why do you think our privacy settings are so hard to understand? Besides, it’s not my fault that NASDAQ is a slut.”

NASDAQ was seen pole dancing with escorts and call girls. That would have been enough, but he was also seen doing the 80’s stock broker salute, snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s ass.

NASDAQ, who is now working at a Brooklyn Audi dealership, shared his frustration with the privacy settings in Facebook. “They told me that it would be easy to control my privacy. It felt so good to get Facebook before NYSE, but then I lost all of my money on Facebook stock and now I lost my job. Do you know how hard it is to get a job as a stock exchange? I saw the Lehman brothers yesterday and they just laughed at me.”

NASDAQ appears to be more like an everyday slacker than his reputation suggests. “The joke is on Zuck. I wiped my ass on that bell everyday.”