Today’s article is guest written by @ChrisKotera
“This has been the best Red Tuesday ever for us!” said Amazon CEO Jeffrey P. Bezos on Tuesday evening as the lowest grossing Red Tuesday to date was coming to a close. “I’m so relieved to even out the sales records of Black Friday and Cyber Weekend/Monday. I was nervous about what to do with all that money. My kids are so spoiled. My daughter wants Albania for Christmas and I was almost rich enough last night to do it. After looking at today’s numbers, I could only afford Albania if it was on sale. I’ll just get her another yacht so she can have a normal childhood.”
Conveyor belts, tricycles, and trucks lay dormant at Amazon’s largest fulfillment center in Phoenix Arizona as only 113 online orders for the day had come in. Latoya Harrison, an employee at the fulfillment center was available for comment, “I was so sick of this sh*t the last few days. We were working so hard to fill all these orders I missed a whole holiday weekend with my family. I’m still at work but it’s nice to have an easy, boring day to reflect on my life choices.”
In Gardner, Kansas, consumer Margie Jepsen celebrated Red Tuesday by filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. “Since its Red Tuesday, the $247 Chapter 7 filing fee is 40% off! I can afford that! I was afraid I’d have to return that 60” 3D LED TV I bought online yesterday!” Margie was then on her way to enjoy dinner with her family for the first time in five days. “I’ve just been buying stuff all weekend, I’m anxious to hug my children.”
“Although today has been exciting and unprecedented, we’re hoping for even fewer orders and less revenue next year on Red Tuesday. Maybe I’ll make so little money next year I’ll talk my kids into wanting iPads instead of countries,” said Bezos in his closing statement with us.