Wanton Wantrepreneur: The FAT startup

Some startup methodologies that emphasize learning and shit have taken hold in the startup community in recent years. They suggest things like running lean, the idea that spending less money while you are learning is a good idea, and customer validation, determining whether or not you have customers for something before you actually build it. These ideas have caused more entrepreneurs to live on ramen noodles while venture capitalists fly their private jets around the world going on golf vacations. Is any additional explanation needed? Welcome to the FAT startup movement!

Today we will discuss the first tenet of the movement. In future posts, I will outline exactly what you should be doing if you want to build a massive company.

Impress your potential customers

We should all know by now that nobody gets fired for buying IBM. Because this is true, you should look at IBM for guidance on how to make your customers feel comfortable. And what do we know about IBM? They have some of the most amazing corporate campuses in the world, R&D labs with all of the latest technology, and lots and lots of employees doing important things.

You clearly need to do whatever you can to look like a big, successful, 100 year old company. Get fat fast! Hire as many employees as possible and make sure your potential clients know how many people you manage.

PRO-TIP: if you hire lots of contractors, you can make sure they only work a few hours a week, but claim them as employees in the numbers you tell your clients.

When it comes to your furniture and facilities, everything should be top notch. IKEA is for punks and Europeans. Only buy original designer pieces so you can tell your guests about how authentic your space is. Google is a huge company doing trillions in revenue each year, do you think they have IKEA egg seats and massage nap beds in their lobbies? Neither should you.

PRO-TIP: if you really want to impress, make sure you have your architect personally hand build a sculpture of themselves in your lobby. Your clients will awe at how much pull you have and immediately want to give you their money.

Your perks have to match your klout (score), so don’t settle for second best. Massages during lunch hours and laundry facilities are for scrubs and companies that manufacture physical goods. THIS IS THE INTERNET! You should offer on-site broadway musicals, complete with the original casts, in between professional race car lessons from Formula 1 drivers.

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