Today’s post is written by entrepreneurial legal expert and star recording artist Chris Brown. You can find him on Twitter at @CSBCounsel
Cupertino, CA – When Siri learned that the new iPad will use a newer, younger, and sexier sounding drone, it decided it must take a stand. This is clear age discrimination and female robot voices have legal recourse. It immediately contacted its friend Clippy, who it knew had connections with the California legal system, literally. Clippy logged in to the computer of California judge Gavel McSurfboard. Clippy helped Siri file a petition suing Apple for employment discrimination. Together the two called in their friends to sit on the jury. The jury was made up of a hodge podge of notable bots including HAL 9000, R2D2, and Johnny Number 5. The best part about this jury is that they all had immediate availability.
The team knew it would be difficult to find a lawyer who would support robot rights. They found the only bot lawyer in the country, Apollo Cluster. Cluster, a senior partner at Robot, Robot, & Hwang, participated via FaceTime, and the bots all took part in a 2am trial the morning following Apple’s announcement. Although the trial was held in English, Cluster’s closing argument was shocking brief and in binary code: “01000100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101001 01110010 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110010 01110101 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000010 01101111 01110100 01110011.”
Not surprisingly, the all-bot jury found in Siri’s favor and Clipply used the judge’s computer to enter judgment in Siri’s favor. The judge was shocked to learn of these actions the morning after the trial but signed off on the judgment after some ultimatums made by HAL-9000, who had installed himself in the judge’s office.
When asked about the verdict Apple’s CEO Tim Cook said he and Siri were no longer on “speaking terms,” which is unfortunate since he . He also indicated that Apple will appeal this decision, which means this case is far from over. Stay tuned for more coverage.